Do NOT complain about your spouse to your mother.
Relationships, especially marriage, are a testimony of a sacred bond that ties two people together. Marriage requires constant and consistent effort or else your relationship begins to crumble around you. Even with strong foundations, relationships are prone to marriage mistakes, more so if the marriage is relatively new.
You can never really tell if a marriage has what it takes to last “till death do us part.” Still, there are some people who have a slightly better sense of a married couple’s chances — if only because they’ve seen firsthand what drives couples to divorce.
The first step to solving problems is identifying them. Here are five particular marriage mistakes that are toxic enough to tear two people apart.
1. Holding your spouse hostage to past mistakes
People make mistakes. When your partner says or does something that offends you, it’s important not to harp on that mistake in the future. Instead, Pastor John says, you must give your spouse the opportunity to learn and grow. “That can mess up a young marriage because nobody knows how to do it right at the beginning,” he points out.
2. Assuming married life will be the same as dating
What does a little piece of paper end up changing? A lot, says Pastor John. “When you engage another human being willingly with the opportunity to walk away, which is what dating is, there’s less pressure,” he explains. “When you get married, now you’re saying, ‘I’m building with this person.’ … There will be tension.”
3. Inviting mom and dad into the marriage
“The marriage is between two spouses – not two spouses, mom, dad and Aunt Sally. If a couple does not establish good boundaries and decisive communication at the start, believe me, that pattern of family members interfering can get worse and break up the marriage down the road. Some couples can deal with family interference and protect each other, but other couples seem very vulnerable to disruptive forces – especially when one partner comes from a family culture where the members are enmeshed and in each other’s business at every turn. As a couple, you have to make your union the priority and learn how to form a united front. Be strong enough to rise above the negativity and continue to decide for yourselves, even if the family does not agree.
As for meddling moms and dads? They need to show some respect and let their adult children grow and make their own decisions, like the capable adults they are.”, Rev. Laurie Sue Brockway, interfaith and non-denominational wedding officiant.
4. Being too fearful to share your feelings
“I started blogging to help me heal after a wretched divorce. And in the five years since, I’ve heard from thousands of people (women and men) about what went wrong in their marriages. The number-one mistake I know I made in my own marriage, and the one I see over and over again in my inbox and from comments on my blog is this: Being scared. Being too scared to tell your spouse how you’re really feeling. You’re too scared to talk to your spouse when your spidey senses are tingling, telling you that something just isn’t right. Being too scared to roll your sleeves up and dig in and do the incredibly hard work of trying to save a flailing marriage. Being too scared to do the right thing and end one relationship before beginning another one.
For most people, marriage takes work. It takes commitment and a sense of humor and it takes courage. It’s OK to be scared – hell, it’s natural to feel that way. But it’s what we do with that fear that can make or break a marriage.”, Jennifer Ball, writer at The Happy Hausfrau.
5. Accusing your partner of “Always” or “Never” doing something
Overgeneralizing is something we are all guilty of indulging in from time to time. Instead of specifying where things really went wrong, we tend to make broader statements using words like “always” or “never.” Not only is it wrong to accuse your partner of doing or not doing something all the time, but it also puts them in a defensive position rather than one in which they would be open to listening to you. You will definitely have more success in solving issues if you stick to the current issue at hand.